Friday, August 1, 2008

Final Draft karlelle

Karlelle Rice
SEO
Dear President,
My name is Karlelle Rice and coming into the presidency I feel that there are problems faced In New York that needs to change. These problems are serious because I have seen a community fall apart day by day due to the lack of education and discrimination against the people. I have experienced personal issues that dealt with both of these conflicts. As a citizen of New York I feel that these issues are not being dealt with or taken seriously.
The education system is failing to meet the needs of New York City kids. Every 26 seconds there is a child dropping out of high school due to the lack of the resources such as computers, text books and paper, which causes him to lose interest in the work. In the schools, kids have to share books or cannot do the lessons because the materials are not there. As a student in the New York City public I face the struggles of trying to get ahead in my work and reaching an advanced level. While taking an Advanced Placement class I felt that I was doing things that other kid’s weren’t able to do in their school, but when my friends came from Jamaica and the Dominican Republic, they told me that the work I was learning they already had done. Kids struggle every day to make it and it is not to succeed but just to get by because there is no motivation or help from society because the people is all focused on the war and other things that are not serious. Having an education is very important because the work and technology of New York City is advancing and we are going to need the upcoming generation to run them.
One may say that the advancement in technology is more important than education to that of the students. The education that is being taught in New York City public schools does not level with the work of third world countries and that of private schools. In the upcoming generation the way the education system is failing the kids, there would be nobody to run the machinery because they would not have the requirement or skill to work the machinery to their best ability or to their full potential. The money is being taken out of New York City public schools to full fill the future world that is wanted by certain people. Because of the technology advancements kids in the public school systems are being deprived out of the education and learning environment that is needed to succeed and make in this new coming world.
Discrimination is seen to only and simply involve minorities otherwise known of as people of color, however this is not the case. As a matter of fact this is a topic that circulates throughout our society. People are being discriminated against every day due to the color of their skin, or their nationality. Some men and women are not getting the jobs they want because the people that work there do not want them there. That’s goes for not just in the work place, but also in restaurant and in any place where it’s not people of their kind. I have experienced a situation in which I felt that my friends and I were being discriminated against our nationality. When it was my best friend’s birthday we decided to go out to eat and when we got to the restaurant everybody was staring at us because we were all black and Hispanic and mostly everybody in the place was white. When we finally sat down, my friends and I started to laugh and make jokes. Then a white guy next us got up and asked for a new seat because he did not want to be near, us and then he told the manager that we were being loud and bothering him. After all of that was said the manager came over and told us that we had to quiet it down or else we would get kicked out. So I turned around and saw that the guy was laughing and everybody in the restaurant was staring at us, which made us very uncomfortable, so we ate our food and left quickly because we did not want to be in that kind of environment. This was a situation that hurt me the most. I thought that people did not still act like any more, and that society was much smarter than that.
Reading about the Civil Right Movement has opened my mind to problems that are still faced today that I never even paid attention on how serious it was. The Civil Rights Movement happened due to the inequality towards blacks. African Americans during the time of the civil rights movement did not have the education or rights that whites had and that caused them to be at a lower level than they were. I feel that history is repeating itself in the education system because the work is behind compared to private schools and schools in third world countries. Discrimination was shown with no cover ups back in the 1950s but know it is still going on but not out in public. It is funny because the Civil Right Movement was not too long ago and the things the blacks fought for they have it but society still has not came out this state of mind that everybody is equal.
As becoming a new president there is many things that have to be fixed and changed. I feel that in becoming a president it has to be proven that the problems will be taken of and down with efficiency. New York is one of the best places for technology and opportunities but is it really opportunity when the education is horrible and there still is discrimination amongst the people. This is just the beginning of the many problems that to come and if there not dealt with now how will the problems in the future get solve.

1 comment:

Danielle said...

Karlelle!
I hope you are doing well, and still dancing:). So I finally got a chance to take a look at your final essay, and it was really good hearing what you had to say. I think you are so right about America's lax priorities when it comes to education. We develop groundbreaking technology everyday, but we can't seem to fix the educational inequalities that will have an enormous impact on the future of our country. And it is incredible that there are so many nations with so many fewer resources than we have that are making great strides in education. You're absolutely right.

So from a college perspective, I would say that you have all of the right ideas for a wonderful essay. I know that I asked you to write this in the form of a letter, and you did that beautifully. I've definitely had a couple of assignments in college that asked me to write in letter form, but the letter was really an persuasive essay addressed to one specific person. And that's the type of assignment you'd see in college. They'll ask you to personalize an essay by writing it in letter format.

At any rate, I know we didn't have time to fine tune these, but if you did have time, I'd say that you should spend some time elaborating on each of your points, citing specific examples of each, and why they are contributing to the failure of America's education system. For instance, you mention all the developing technology that's costing us so much money that we could be putting into our system.

In a college essay, you'd need to give us some examples of the various technologies that we could stand to invest a little less in so that we could focus more on education. One example could be space technology. A lot of people argue that we spend way too much money trying to figure out what's in our universe, particularly when we haven't quite figured out what to do to improve life on Earth. Then you would need to cite specific numbers, like how much money we spend annually on space research and technology vs. on various aspects of our education system.

You'd need to do that for each one of the points you make. Your personal experiences help here as well. I liked how you integrated your personal narrative into the letter. That was an classic example of modern day discrimination, and that's exactly the way you want to be framing your essays.

Also, be sure to focus on one thing at a time. It's better to slow down and give your reader enough evidence to prove each of your sub-arguments than to try to talk about them all at once. It makes your essay far more reader friendly and clear.

Other than that, there are just some grammar issues. And you'll find that as you continue writing and reading other people's work (and taking english classes!), you'll see your writing style and structures improve.

Great job. Take care!
-D